My first real highway drive. I can barely sleep with fear but I convince myself One's gotta do what One fears every month or so to feel alive. (doesn't the blue-line test count?)
5:30 am - bleary eyed and bushy tailed, with tonnes of supplies, we load up the car and roll out of the front gate.
5:50 am - Dad gives me wrong directions and we make a ten min, 7 km detour. He checks his watch every 5 secs and tut tuts. (you meant 'tutu-tutu', didn't ya?)
6:30 am - We hit the highway post buses and I clock an average of 100.
10:30 am - We cross Hosur. Trouble starts.
Dad (in front seat right next to me) - Shit, I think we missed the Ashok Leyland plant. How'd we miss it? Its supposed to be huge.
Me (grimly driving with concentration) - Why do we need to see the plant?
Dad - I cant believe we missed it.
Me - Whats the landmark?
Dad - How'd we miss it?
Me - Why do we need the plant?
Dad - You think it was on my left and not my right?
Me (yelling) - Why is Ashok Leyland plant important? Is it the landmark?
Dad - Maybe we aren't there yet but there's the check post. I think we missed it.
Me (a little calmer) - Ok, so what am I supposed to do after the Ashok Leyland plant?
Dad - Nothing. It was supposed to be here. You think its further up.
Me - Sigh!
10:50 am - We're on Sarjapura Road. My star navigator dad, has a whole bunch of messy directions. {messy directions...i remember the time a certain somebody (i won't say who but her name sounds like swam, without the 'w') wanted to reach Tidel Park from Adyar. She took the Besant Nagar-Kalakshetra-Tiruvanmiyur-OMR road. Summin abt the genes..}
Dad - Get on the right and 3 kms down at the circle take a left. There'll be a lake on both sides of the road, then take a right and you'll see the foodworld. Their flat is the next building.
Me - Ok.
3 mins later
Dad (on seeing a bike trying to just get by) - Son of a Bitch. Dont let him go. Push him off the road.
Me - Appa, calm down.
Dad (yelling) - These Bastards wont let you go, why dont you listen to me, run him off the road.
Me - Stop yelling so near me you're making me nervous.
Dad (yelling at the oblivious motorist) - Motherfucker, why dont you use the fucking shoulder, why are you on our road?
Me (yelling) - Stop yelling.
Mum (in the backseat, yelling) - Stop yelling, you're irritating her.
3 mins later
Dad - I think we're lost. We passed 3 kms, you're not there. Lets stop and ask for directions.
Me - If X said 3 kms, he doesnt have an internal ticker, lets just go for another 2 mins.
30 secs later
Dad - We're lost.
Me - Sigh. So get down and ask for directions.
Dad (rolls down window & yells) - Varathur (name of town)
Passerby (unintelligble) - hogi halli (and a whole bunch of kannada words we didnt understand)
Me - Why dont you get down and ask?
Dad - You get down and ask!
Me (yelling) - I'm driving.
Dad (yelling) - I'll ask this way to a hundred people you just drive.
Me (yelling) - But you havent got any directions. At least call and speak to X and get directions.
Dad takes my phone, fumbles, cant unlock it.
Me (yelling) - Dammit, how hard it is to press a couple of buttons and unlock it?
Dad (yelling) - Stop getting irritated, we'll go when we go now, just keep driving.
Me (yelling) - Why am I driving straight if I am not sure its the right way?
Dad (yelling) - Unlock your phone.
Mum (yelling) - Stop yelling at her.
Me (yelling) - Here, just call X
Dad calls X, describes name of every board, X unsure and reiterates original directions.
Dad - Stupid man cant give proper directions. Your whole country is fucked. Why cant the educated here ever talk properly? Why dont your roads have any signs?
Me - What'd he say?
Dad - Nothing of any value.
Me - Why can I hear some talking? Did you hang up the phone.
He did not.
Me - Sigh.
5 mins later.
Dad - I think we're lost. Lets ask for directions.
Me - So get down and ask for directions.
Dad (yelling) - You get down.
Me (yelling) - I'm driving!
Mum (yelling) - Stop yelling.
Me (yelling) - I tell you to do *one* job and you dont do it right.
I get down and ask for town name and a few blank stares and vague directions later, we're dirving straight. We reach a level crossing.
Dad - Why didnt the man say there would be a level crossing? Thats a much better direction to give. This whole country is going to the Dogs.
Me - Call him and ask, and this time hang up before you abuse him.
Dad calls, X is unsure there'd be a level crossing.
Dad - Why cant the man ever give proper directions? He cant mention a level crossing.
Me - What'd he say?
Dad - He's not sure. In this country the education system fucks you guys over. None of you have any brains.
Me - Did you hang up?
He did not.
10 mins later.
Dad - Is this the "big" lake he mentioned.
There's grass with a few birds on it.
Me - Why dont you call and find out?
Dad - I'm not calling him, he cant give any directions.
Me (yelling) - You wont call or get out but you want directions? How'd you hope to achieve that?
Dad (yelling) - Just drive di, there'll be signs and boards.
Mum (yelling) - Why do you keep yelling after she says it makes her nervous.
Me (yelling) - Let me call him.
I describe whats around and am told I'm on the right track and I should keep coming straight.
He's wrong. We're back on the same road. Magically we've retraced our steps.
By this time, I know the drill (and so do you), I take a few blind turns and finally we're on the road we're supposed to be. There's a T junction.
Me - Ask the guy where Foodworld is.
Dad - He's a fish vendor.
Me - So? He can still speak cant he? Just ask.
Dad - He'll stink.
Me (yelling) - I'm not asking you to hug him, just ask him for directions.
Dad (yelling) - Just drive.
Me (yelling) - Its either a left or right, which one am I to take?
Mum (yelling) - Why dont you just ask for directions?
Dad (yelling at the guy) - Foodworld?
Meekly he points left.
He was wrong.
Me - Whats after Foodworld?
Dad - Their flat. Keep your eyes peeled.
Me - You keep your eyes peeled and look, I'm driving.
Dad - Whats foodworld?
Me - Its a supermarket.
Dad - (scoffs) Supermarket! Like this country has good supermarkets. Back home, there are supermarkets, now those are real supermarkets where you get everything.
Me - Just look will ya?
Dad - Its not there. The man knows nothing. He gave us wrong directions again.
Me - Hang on, there are no high rise buildings, forget the supermarket, if theres a 15 storey flat, we should be able to see it, why dont you scan for that?
A Junction, this time I ask. They point back where we came from.
Dad - I told you he was a fish vendor.
Me - Stupidity is not exclusive to smelly people.
Mum - You know fish is supposed to increase your brain power.
Dad - Course she'd say that. She's from Kerala.
Mum - We never ate fish.
Me - Why is the cop flagging us down.
Dad - Maybe he saw the illegal U Turn you made.
Me - If it was illegal why'd you let me make it.
Dad (yelling) - Just stop the car.
Me (yelling) - I am. Can't you see I am slowing down?
Mum - Even spinach is supposed to increase brain power.
Cop - Show me your insurance papers.
Me - Here you go.
Cop - Where's your emission certificate?
Me - My what?
Cop - Dont you have one? Every vehicle should have one?
Me - My vehicle is less than 3 years old.
Cop - You still have to have a certificate.
Me - Well I dont, so just tell me how much the ticket is and I'll pay you.
Mum - The phone is ringing.
Dad - You dont know you're supposed to get an emission ticket?
Me - No one told me. Pick up the phone.
Dad - I dont believe this. How can you not take an emission certificate?
Me - I wasnt told alright! Pick up the phone.
Dad - You should always get an emission certificate every 6 months.
Me - I will as soon as we get back, will you pick up the damn phone.
Cop - What do you want to do?
Me - I told you already, spare me the lecture and just give me the ticket.
Dad (yelling at the cop) - Do you know where foodworld is?
Me - Appa, dont yell at him. And pick up the phone.
Mum - How come no one told us about the emission certificate?
X is briefed on my trangression.
Cop - Just gimme a hundred.
Dad - Here you go.
Me - Well so much for being a model citizen, we just bribed a cop.
Dad - Every 6 months you should get an emission certificate.
Mum - I think thats why Malls are smart. Its all the fish they eat.
Dad - Malls are all Communists.
Me - Did you hang up?
He did not.
We still dont see foodworld.
Me - Call him and tell him what we see on our left.
I slow down and see its the Apartment we are supposed to get to.
There we were 90 mins later than we should have been. Huge Sigh of Relief.
(Now about the time she got lost in Madras on the return journey...)
8 comments:
tee hee! I enjoyed that thoroughly :* U want empathizing hug???
hot choc sauce wants empathy boot? hands off my hobbit!
Fao San! I told you about getting lost in Chennai in Confidence! Hot Choc Sauce, lets take this talk to a more *ahem* private location!
How about a long drive to Bangalore? ;) Do get ur emission tests done :D
Fao San, I took the circuitous route to Tidel to spend more time with you. Can I help it if you are an unfeeling robot? *sniff* I try and I try to get you to open up.
Hot choc, how about I drive to Delhi to see the...err... monuments! :-)
It was so original and I loved it to bits. You are not bad as a script writer though you are my younger sister and have got half my brain. They say the more kids they have the more dumber they become it seems (according to Suda). :)
Keep it up girl!! I want more.
Anon,
Who is the bigger idiot? You read *this* post and want to give me a rental car to drive around Aus?!
I have no further rejonders mate!
Seriously, did you forget to do an emission test in India? Your dad was right on that one. lol.........
BTW, never bother to show any vehicle documents to cops in India. They stopped you for a totally different reason which i am sure you know by now what is was.
My husband got his drivers's license in bangalore by sending his look-alike brother to attend the road test. Yeah, anything's possible in India. That's what makes it "India" the unparalleled. You should tell that to your dad.
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