To Falling in Love

While the 80s and 90s had those movies where the hero and heroines ‘bumped’ into each other and immediately sang around trees in Switzerland/Ooty, the new wave of Tam Cinema, bless its heart, makes it as realistic as possible. (chortle!)

Why do we fall in love: (oh, boy!)

1) The adrenaline rush when your eyes meet. (Love makes you squint? A squint gives a rush?)

The flutter in your stomach that is not a result of road-side food.

2) Looking directly into someone's eyes and holding their gaze. (I saw Suresh Gopi do that with Ratheesh in ‘Commissioner’. He followed that moment up with, “Ppa, pulle!”)

I remember this happening at a funeral once but just for that rush, I'd gladly kill anyone in my family!

3) No matter what you're doing or who you're with, being acutely aware of where the other person is in your periphery.

Try to imagine it in a romantic set up...a la in the middle of a crowded cafeteria and not stalking someone in the middle of the night - not that I have ever done that! (Try driving with a squint when all oncoming vehicles are on high beam.)

4) Viewing the most banal life events through fresh eyes. (All that squinting can wear them out.)

Suddenly, a boring afternoon at some distant cousin's wedding is more glam coz you imagine his/her reaction to your uncle's inappropriate jokes.

5) The revitalisation of your own life.

The beach has never looked more beautiful than when I was feverishly feeling up the love of my life! (As the ashes of the deceased were being immersed. Feel free to judge her, dear reader. Yes, Lak, I’m talking to you.)

6) How beautiful you feel though you haven’t waxed your leg in a month or bothered to wear deo on a hot summer day.

Ditto from 5.

7) The excitement at the prospect of sharing your day with that person.

Many a Doctor's office waiting room has been the recipient of my girly giggles on account of some lame insight transformed into comedy gold through hormones. (And long-suffering friends are duly cudgeled with the comedy gold.)

8) Wondering what your future (the second date) would be together and feeling pleasantly nervous about the uncertainty of it all. (Her friends are just nervous. About the looming iceberg.)

9) Gaining self confidence.

Suddenly the corny lines are gems of self affirmation and nothing is impossible indeed.

Fret not, readers! I haven’t transformed from self-involved bitch (Yes, this post was not about her at all!). "Pada Pada" from Vennila Kabadikuzhu reminded me of what it is to fall in love.

While I waxed poetic about Vishnu Vishal being The One, Fao San and Bing unhelpfully reminded me how many times a day I say that about my potential conquests and how it translates to less than a one-night stand! Cynics! (Bite me.)

The Magnificent Seven

Read somewhere each woman must have a ring of 7 friends to keep her sane.

1 - The Quirk

2 - The Childhood Friend

3 - The New One

4 - The Office Friend

5 - The Couple

6 -

7 -

Says something about the article (or Sammeh's ADHD) that I can’t remember the last 2 categories!

Without further ado, those on their way to the sanatorium:

The Quirk

Undoubtedly, the slot is filled by Bing (no arguments. Just quiet acquiescence). Now a decade-long friend, I have fond memories of running in college with her close behind me screaming, "TOUCH THE OTHER ONE!" - twas my favourite hobby/workout to touch one earring and not touch the other or touch one shoulder and not the other and so on for every part of the body that has a double (some of those parts have quads now).

The logic? It’s symmetry that’s the culprit. Both have to be touched, you see, or “the other one will feel bad."

The Childhood Friend

H. Who else. She is the better half (indeed). While I wake up from a nightmare and try to soothe myself back to sleep at 2 am, an unnatural noise fills the room – ‘tis H laughing in her sleep. If that sounds sweet and harmless to you, you gotta get your head examined. There's nothing freakier than that!

Having lived with us for countless years and charmed everyone in the family, H and I have a weird psychic connection that has not waned despite oceans separating us.

The New One

K may have bought my affections by buying me many presents for my birthday but she sealed her place in my life with one highly inappropriate and offensive line.

I was contemplating whether to do this German boy who was visiting Chennai for a day. K's idea of a pick-up line - "Let me show you MY concentration camp" (love germinates in Fao San’s heart for K).

You tell me, can anyone top that?

The Office Friend

From bitching about each other to each other to finishing each others jokes, who else but Fao San is worthy of this title?! (*inhales deeply and smiles proudly*)

We take road trips together. We know everyone in each others lives. We know everything about each other's lives. We barf when people wanna talk about their feelings! (Chuh! Feelings! Like there are any feelings - other than ours - worth considering.)

We now have a common blog! (And an adoring, thronging fan base. Invisible at this point, but we know it is present!)

The height of our achievement - breaking up with a fling of mine who got clingy over the phone. The best part. We did it together. *sniff* Good times! (One of our finer moments. But that man…the ingrate…didn’t thank us once for breaking him into the relationship cycle!)

And to think she was in another team when I joined work! (But Sam san, the visionary jumped ships. It was the beginning of a great friendship.)

The Couple

3 couples tie for this slot.

1) Mall Wed Couple - While he is a male version of me (self-involved, dysfunctional, likes girls), she is the one who counsels us both to not make fun of people who are crying coz we made ‘em cry.

2) Constant Drama Couple - These insane bitches come to me for relationship advice every week. (No way! Wonder if this couple exists only in Sam san’s head.)

It goes the same way either in person or over phone

She: Sam, this time its different.
Me (bored): Uh huh. Do whatever makes you happy.
She: Are you listening? I am leaving him.
Me: You think I should do this 19-year old to feel young again?
He (addresses me): Why don’t you talk some sense into her? (Ok, they exist only in Sam san’s head)
Me: Me? Are you that desperate? (So self aware, even in her make-believe world)
She: Don’t inolve her in this. She’s my friend.
He: Don’t yell at me.
He and she yell a lot, fight about inconsequential things, kiss and make up all in front of me.

3) Grumpy Bitch and Overly Sensitive Metrosexual - They're both married to women but the yin yang of it all is so darned entertaining.

GB (to me): So let me get this straight, you have cut one more person out of your life? Lovely! And you wonder if you'll die alone.
Me: Nice man. Thanks. Am so glad I chose you to share my emotional trauma with.
GB: You're an idiot. What can I do? (mmpphhh!)
OSM: Sammy! You gotta stop pushing people away. It’s the same thing you do to me (Cry me a river, brother!). Stop being scared to be vulnerable.
Me: *choking on my drink*
GB: She is doing it coz she's a bitch. Oh, you're both talking again are you?
Me *sotto voice*: For now.
OSM: We've patched everything. We're fine as long as she doesn’t turn into Diva Bitch again. (Give her five minutes.)

Me and OSM bicker and yell and use big words and I storm out and not speak to him for 7 months. Again. (She clocked under five!)

GB continues drinking.

Other Notables

1) The Only Ex I Speak To - Kindred spirits, we're deeply shallow. Anytime I'm blue, he cheers me up by pretending to still want me. I tease him and don’t do anything about it. It works.

2) Theater Friend - He declaims every statement but he's the only sane one through all the creative tantrums. Long train journeys are that much more enjoyable coz he can turn anything to sound pornographic!

There are many, many more but I realised I crossed 7! Aha! Take that you self-help drivel writing bitch who only thought it fit to fill 7 categories! I win!

Dear Readers,

Please don’t point out the number of times the word, ‘bitch’ has appeared in this post.

Readers...you exist only in my head, eh?

The Things People Say

K was telling me she is termed unfeeling only coz she sometimes doesn’t have the vocabulary to define her feelings. That got me thinking about words we use far too often which are not nearly enough to say what we want to say:

Look up a Thesaurus!

Vibe - Is it short for vibrations? Does it mean a gut feel? Is it just flooziness/laziness to not find another word for it? Bing, I am looking at you. (But I’m the one who’s wishing you ‘Happy Birthday!’)

Sexy - A dog is sexy. A movie is sexy. The attitude is sexy. Enough already!

Relationship - "I am in a relationship with him". Umm...news flash! Everyone is in a relationship with everyone else. Friendship is a relationship (Enough with the hints, Sammeh! I just don’t think of you that way!). Hell, I have a traffic cop who knows my name. Do you see me walking around saying I am in a relationship with him? (No, coz your cigarette kadai kaaran would be so jealous!)

Seeing someone - If you are not Rani Mukherjee, playing a blind woman very badly, chances are you are seeing more than one person. Say “boinking” or “doing” like the rest of us, jackass!

Kinky - Anything out of the ordinary is not kinky. It is just not ordinary. Unless you like being tied for 3 days and beaten black and blue for pleasure, chances are you are not into kinky sex. Bummer, I know! (Thinking bad things about all the exes she called “kinky”.)

Gay - Any guy who does not swill beer, scratch his crotch, beat his wife is not necessarily gay! Or, a guy isn’t gay just because he has more than 3 pairs of shoes! There are terms like metro and uber sexual. Learn ‘em, use ‘em.

Awesome - If everything is awesome, then isn’t everything just ok? (just like, ‘unique’!)

Fate/Destiny - If you use a condom and still get knocked up, you're allowed to chalk it up to either Fate or Destiny, but when you are ovulating and you take a chance au naturale, there’s another word for it. Its first 3 letters are s-t-u and it ends with p-i-d and has nothing in between. Can ya guess it? (Ex-best friend, hope you are reading this. And we’ll wait for you to get there. No hurry!)

Orgasmic - "The food is orgasmic", "The weather is orgasmic", "The smell is orgasmic" - unless your heart rate is up and your muscles are contracting, it ain’t that "awesome"!

The Journey is the Destination

Greetings!

We had a brief window where we both had a life; but we took care of that little problem and now we're back to soul searching about life, love and careers! Hah!

Fao San and I decided to do a road trip to Talakona falls, Andhra. We all know how road trips usually go when am at the wheel (stop to pee every 200 mtrs, introspect every 100, swear at exes every 50). This one was not a lot different. Except, it was pretty awesome!

I wanna clear the air before I begin and say there was no yelling. (not from inside the car, anyway.)

We packed way more supplies than we needed AND finished them all. (we're pretty fantastic that way!)

We left early and I still dont have my emission certificate *and* I always forget to carry my original driver's license - yes Fao San, I was carrying a colour photocopy of my license when I was driving at 100 kmph in another state. (and she had the temerity to clang breezer bottles while asking a cop for directions!)

We got lost inside our own city and did a 12 km detour asking lorry drivers who leered at our chests for directions. (oh, so all that heavy breathing and heaving wasn't for my benefit?? I did wonder why she insisted on being the navigator.)

I mentally made up my mind that any time it seemed like there was danger to my life, I'd sell Fao San to a willing lorry driver. (I admit, I was getting to like the 'Midnight Masala' spoof we were playing out.)

A typical conversation.

Me (driving) - I hate men. I hate him specifically. Whats wrong with me?

Fao San (in front seat with feet on dash board munching chips) - How much time you got?

Me - Shut up.

Fao San - I say, use that evil brain of yours and do some damage.

Me and Fao San notice a billboard that reiterates our situation and we are awed by the powers that be that speak to us through advertisements. ('Adultery is official'. God was doing my job.)

Me - I think we're lost.

Fao San - I agree. Lets ask for directions.

We *were* lost.

{Stranger1 -on-the-road: You are 100 kms off course. Turn back! Do you speak Malayalam?
(What the..!! So Sam san and I turned back, bought some hooch and asked for directions at the shop.)
Hooch seller: You are 100 kms off course. Turn back!
(Somebody had been sampling his own merchandise.)}

A few hours later

Me - He can't have us both. Nossir! Committed men and I don't mix! I have only a few scruples left. I plan to keep them.

Fao San (driving) - Will you stop changing your mind every hundred meters, its giving me nausea.

Me (sitting in front seat with feet on dashboard munching chips) - I promise not to change my mind.

5 meters later

Me - But who cares about the other girl? I can...

Fao San - Shut up.

Me - I think we're lost.

Fao San - (pleased for the diversion, even if it was only for another chance to chase our tails on a midsummer's day in parched Andhra) Lets stop and ask for directions.

Stranger 2-on-the-road: You are off course. Go back and take a left.

(It is an elaborate hoax. Talakona doesn't exist. Not unless you lose your way and drive into an alternate dimension where rainforests materialise between brambles and craggy cliffs.)

Despite our detours and skepticism about the existence of the falls, when we actually found it, twas still not worth it but the drive was pretty awesome.

We bitched about our friends. We hatched a plan to exterminate all men (mostly, Sam's exes. But that's half the male population in our neck of the woods). We watched it rain on the Ghats. We trekked up to the falls. We made unscheduled pit stops. We ate under shady trees.

We were happy to know it would burn Bing up.

The things that drive our lives!

Tuesday, Mar 31

Fuck!

Requiem

I wish I'd known you better.

I wish I had flirted shamelessly with you some more.

I wish I had seduced you and broken your heart into a million pieces.

I wish we had argued and debated.

I wish we sat on your terrace and spilled gyan and secrets over juice.

Anything but this.

To Arjun Vasudev, truly one of the nicest and most gentlemanly boy I ever knew. You deserved to have lived for a lot longer. I will miss all the things I never got to do with you. Be at peace brother!

Cabin Fever

My first real highway drive. I can barely sleep with fear but I convince myself One's gotta do what One fears every month or so to feel alive. (doesn't the blue-line test count?)

5:30 am - bleary eyed and bushy tailed, with tonnes of supplies, we load up the car and roll out of the front gate.

5:50 am - Dad gives me wrong directions and we make a ten min, 7 km detour. He checks his watch every 5 secs and tut tuts. (you meant 'tutu-tutu', didn't ya?)

6:30 am - We hit the highway post buses and I clock an average of 100.

10:30 am - We cross Hosur. Trouble starts.

Dad (in front seat right next to me) - Shit, I think we missed the Ashok Leyland plant. How'd we miss it? Its supposed to be huge.

Me (grimly driving with concentration) - Why do we need to see the plant?

Dad - I cant believe we missed it.

Me - Whats the landmark?

Dad - How'd we miss it?

Me - Why do we need the plant?

Dad - You think it was on my left and not my right?

Me (yelling) - Why is Ashok Leyland plant important? Is it the landmark?

Dad - Maybe we aren't there yet but there's the check post. I think we missed it.

Me (a little calmer) - Ok, so what am I supposed to do after the Ashok Leyland plant?

Dad - Nothing. It was supposed to be here. You think its further up.

Me - Sigh!

10:50 am - We're on Sarjapura Road. My star navigator dad, has a whole bunch of messy directions. {messy directions...i remember the time a certain somebody (i won't say who but her name sounds like swam, without the 'w') wanted to reach Tidel Park from Adyar. She took the Besant Nagar-Kalakshetra-Tiruvanmiyur-OMR road. Summin abt the genes..}

Dad - Get on the right and 3 kms down at the circle take a left. There'll be a lake on both sides of the road, then take a right and you'll see the foodworld. Their flat is the next building.

Me - Ok.

3 mins later

Dad (on seeing a bike trying to just get by) - Son of a Bitch. Dont let him go. Push him off the road.

Me - Appa, calm down.

Dad (yelling) - These Bastards wont let you go, why dont you listen to me, run him off the road.

Me - Stop yelling so near me you're making me nervous.

Dad (yelling at the oblivious motorist) - Motherfucker, why dont you use the fucking shoulder, why are you on our road?

Me (yelling) - Stop yelling.

Mum (in the backseat, yelling) - Stop yelling, you're irritating her.

3 mins later

Dad - I think we're lost. We passed 3 kms, you're not there. Lets stop and ask for directions.

Me - If X said 3 kms, he doesnt have an internal ticker, lets just go for another 2 mins.

30 secs later

Dad - We're lost.

Me - Sigh. So get down and ask for directions.

Dad (rolls down window & yells) - Varathur (name of town)

Passerby (unintelligble) - hogi halli (and a whole bunch of kannada words we didnt understand)

Me - Why dont you get down and ask?

Dad - You get down and ask!

Me (yelling) - I'm driving.

Dad (yelling) - I'll ask this way to a hundred people you just drive.

Me (yelling) - But you havent got any directions. At least call and speak to X and get directions.

Dad takes my phone, fumbles, cant unlock it.

Me (yelling) - Dammit, how hard it is to press a couple of buttons and unlock it?

Dad (yelling) - Stop getting irritated, we'll go when we go now, just keep driving.

Me (yelling) - Why am I driving straight if I am not sure its the right way?

Dad (yelling) - Unlock your phone.

Mum (yelling) - Stop yelling at her.

Me (yelling) - Here, just call X

Dad calls X, describes name of every board, X unsure and reiterates original directions.

Dad - Stupid man cant give proper directions. Your whole country is fucked. Why cant the educated here ever talk properly? Why dont your roads have any signs?

Me - What'd he say?

Dad - Nothing of any value.

Me - Why can I hear some talking? Did you hang up the phone.

He did not.

Me - Sigh.

5 mins later.

Dad - I think we're lost. Lets ask for directions.

Me - So get down and ask for directions.

Dad (yelling) - You get down.

Me (yelling) - I'm driving!

Mum (yelling) - Stop yelling.

Me (yelling) - I tell you to do *one* job and you dont do it right.

I get down and ask for town name and a few blank stares and vague directions later, we're dirving straight. We reach a level crossing.

Dad - Why didnt the man say there would be a level crossing? Thats a much better direction to give. This whole country is going to the Dogs.

Me - Call him and ask, and this time hang up before you abuse him.

Dad calls, X is unsure there'd be a level crossing.

Dad - Why cant the man ever give proper directions? He cant mention a level crossing.

Me - What'd he say?

Dad - He's not sure. In this country the education system fucks you guys over. None of you have any brains.

Me - Did you hang up?

He did not.

10 mins later.

Dad - Is this the "big" lake he mentioned.

There's grass with a few birds on it.

Me - Why dont you call and find out?

Dad - I'm not calling him, he cant give any directions.

Me (yelling) - You wont call or get out but you want directions? How'd you hope to achieve that?

Dad (yelling) - Just drive di, there'll be signs and boards.

Mum (yelling) - Why do you keep yelling after she says it makes her nervous.

Me (yelling) - Let me call him.

I describe whats around and am told I'm on the right track and I should keep coming straight.

He's wrong. We're back on the same road. Magically we've retraced our steps.

By this time, I know the drill (and so do you), I take a few blind turns and finally we're on the road we're supposed to be. There's a T junction.

Me - Ask the guy where Foodworld is.

Dad - He's a fish vendor.

Me - So? He can still speak cant he? Just ask.

Dad - He'll stink.

Me (yelling) - I'm not asking you to hug him, just ask him for directions.

Dad (yelling) - Just drive.

Me (yelling) - Its either a left or right, which one am I to take?

Mum (yelling) - Why dont you just ask for directions?

Dad (yelling at the guy) - Foodworld?

Meekly he points left.

He was wrong.

Me - Whats after Foodworld?

Dad - Their flat. Keep your eyes peeled.

Me - You keep your eyes peeled and look, I'm driving.

Dad - Whats foodworld?

Me - Its a supermarket.

Dad - (scoffs) Supermarket! Like this country has good supermarkets. Back home, there are supermarkets, now those are real supermarkets where you get everything.

Me - Just look will ya?

Dad - Its not there. The man knows nothing. He gave us wrong directions again.

Me - Hang on, there are no high rise buildings, forget the supermarket, if theres a 15 storey flat, we should be able to see it, why dont you scan for that?

A Junction, this time I ask. They point back where we came from.

Dad - I told you he was a fish vendor.

Me - Stupidity is not exclusive to smelly people.

Mum - You know fish is supposed to increase your brain power.

Dad - Course she'd say that. She's from Kerala.

Mum - We never ate fish.

Me - Why is the cop flagging us down.

Dad - Maybe he saw the illegal U Turn you made.

Me - If it was illegal why'd you let me make it.

Dad (yelling) - Just stop the car.

Me (yelling) - I am. Can't you see I am slowing down?

Mum - Even spinach is supposed to increase brain power.

Cop - Show me your insurance papers.

Me - Here you go.

Cop - Where's your emission certificate?

Me - My what?

Cop - Dont you have one? Every vehicle should have one?

Me - My vehicle is less than 3 years old.

Cop - You still have to have a certificate.

Me - Well I dont, so just tell me how much the ticket is and I'll pay you.

Mum - The phone is ringing.

Dad - You dont know you're supposed to get an emission ticket?

Me - No one told me. Pick up the phone.

Dad - I dont believe this. How can you not take an emission certificate?

Me - I wasnt told alright! Pick up the phone.

Dad - You should always get an emission certificate every 6 months.

Me - I will as soon as we get back, will you pick up the damn phone.

Cop - What do you want to do?

Me - I told you already, spare me the lecture and just give me the ticket.

Dad (yelling at the cop) - Do you know where foodworld is?

Me - Appa, dont yell at him. And pick up the phone.

Mum - How come no one told us about the emission certificate?

X is briefed on my trangression.

Cop - Just gimme a hundred.

Dad - Here you go.

Me - Well so much for being a model citizen, we just bribed a cop.

Dad - Every 6 months you should get an emission certificate.

Mum - I think thats why Malls are smart. Its all the fish they eat.

Dad - Malls are all Communists.

Me - Did you hang up?

He did not.

We still dont see foodworld.

Me - Call him and tell him what we see on our left.

I slow down and see its the Apartment we are supposed to get to.

There we were 90 mins later than we should have been. Huge Sigh of Relief.

(Now about the time she got lost in Madras on the return journey...)

Brace yourself Bangalore!

Here I come! Two days of Shopping! Two days of quality me time! Dont say anything Fao San.

Take care blog world. Dont become too advanced in my absence!

Your father is a killer and your neighbour is a lecher!

Something I wrote for this magazine.

The Pulp Fiction World is murky and dangerous for women; at every corner lurks temptation and disaster. At any moment she could be abducted to be used sexually and killed or she could fall into the hands of her uncle who leers lasciviously at her and her fortune. Her entire presence is distilled to two facts; at all times her honour could be decimated and she could be led astray never to be mentioned in polite circles or she could lead a quiet virtuous life and no matter her status, deliverance would come in the form of a rich, educated, and sensitive man and all her previous cares would be forgotten.

If that sounds like a subversive kind of chick lit, meet the other woman in Pulp fiction, an archetype herself but modelled on whom exactly? She is spunky, knows Karate, can defend her honour, and if necessary, hatch plans to escape from the lair of the evil scientist. She wears t shirts with sexy aphorisms that are too tight, is aware of her erotically charged relationship with her male colleague and hides it with matter of fact diversions or bullies him into looking at her as a sexual object through coquettish jealousy.

If all this sounds complicated and overwrought, you must excuse my feminist professors for teaching me to read meaning into the patriarchal writing. Lets take a step back and look at it again. You might as well strike out the first two paragraphs (but please don’t coz I crafted them meticulously and will get back to them in a bit) because these women are only marginal figures in pulp fiction, serving only to drive the action forward which will be take over by the men.

Ahh, the men! While the women are sexual objects, there to arouse one into thinking and action with names that slip out like semi-orgiastic exclamations Asha, Leela, Pushpa, Kamini, and Kanchana, the men are their antithesis. Devanathan, Shankar Lal, Narendran, and Sasivaran; thinking individuals with thick moustaches and hard skulls, capable of keeping their cool even when a gun is pointed at them, especially if a gun is pointed at them, these are the men for whom its written.

The Sabapathy, Velupillai, and Ravis of the world buy these magazines and fantasise about the Kaminis and Kanchanas of the seedy underworld who run to them with heaving bosoms seeking their brawn and brain to rescue them from the clutches of evil and in return give them the promise of eternal devotion and undying love or just an unforgettable night of passion!

The Blaft Anthology of Tamil Pulp Fiction has excellent translations from select authors and a marvellous translator’s note which I urge you to read. If it seems like my delicate sensibilities are wounded by these portrayals, you could not be further from the truth! Full of energy and suspense, these are page turners that offer you value for money.

Sometimes you also find social messages woven in; this authorial angst is quickly masked in the action of seedy underworld men but these flashes of conscience (as I’d like to term them for my own slotting purposes) are topical.

Most of us may not know Rajesh Kumar, Indra Soundararajan, Pattukottai Prabhakar (on an aside, whatta name!), but we do know the 80s movies. The spate of detective movies that came out was astounding and for the longest time, I assumed our Kollywood had been “inspired” by the film noir genre.

Maybe their inspiration was a little closer to home! The evil politician rapes any woman he comes across; the virginal sister of the hero is abducted on her way to typing class (why this obsession with typing classes? Was that the mark of a girl with a useful mind who didn’t want to waste her intelligence making kaara kolambu for her in-laws? Was the rhythmic click clacking of typing such a charged atmosphere that it became synonymous with buxom youth and hidden desires?) and the hero is hired by her brother or happens to be her brother.

While he was the carefree youth cavorting with the rich girl in Woodlands Drive-in or in Ooty singing melodious duets in the first half, he’s called upon by Dharma itself (in the form of the hand-wringing mother) to fight the good fight during the second half and boy does he! Single handedly he busts a prostitution racket or reforms the villain who had some mountain cave he hid in, or sometimes, just for our viewing pleasure, there were crocodiles thrashing in a glass tank in a Technicolor basement of an abandoned bungalow!

Sounds familiar? Before we knew heroes who flicked cigarettes, every Tamil family was familiar with these worldly wise heroes and damsels in distress from their steady Pulp fiction diet. Mention Pattukottai Prabhakar (bear with me while I fixate on this name) and if you happen to be in a room with individuals over a certain age (*cough cough* older people), they immediately rattle off Resakee, Tamilvanan, Pushpa Thangadurai and Ramanichandran as though you’re playing some weird Antakshari with them.

Published in weeklies such as Kalkandu, Dhinamani Kadhir, Anandha Vikatan, Kumudham and Kalaimagal, these titillating tales of crime and punishment were condensed lectures on modern day morality. Then there were other publications; super novel, ungal junior, and today crime, these were not freely distributed among members of the family. The writers were the same; the subject was the same but the language presumably was less constrained because they needn’t fear corrupting the minds of young girls from good Tamil families.

These ten rupee novels may have been mid-morning escapes for many but in them lie nuggets of the era they were written in. The reader can glean what the common man was feeling and thinking. These “pulp” reads are a treasure trove for a mind keen on understanding the sociological issues of an earlier era. It is more accurate than History and certainly more fun and racy!

The Diary of Events

K kicked off my Birthday celebrations on 6th February announcing she was gonna give me 30 gifts till 5 March.

I thought she was trying to buy my affection.

Many polka dotted fuschia pink lingerie, face masks, and cosmetics later, I'm happy to report my affections have officially been bought.

Day itself was uneventful. Most people forgot twas my birthday. Some called.

The highlight was new post by Fao San wishing me kinky things and the din din I had with her.

A fine meal, good company, some embarassing geographical confessions later, my marvellous gifts were unwrapped.

Jewelry and Perfume! Am I not the luckiest kept woman ever?!?

Thanks for great day K and Fao San. To the adoring masses, thanks for the wishes.

Now to look forward to London!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM SAN!

Wishing you so many good things for all your senses that you lose memory of all things bad! Hope this is your best year yet! Continue to entertain, regale, comfort (and point and laugh at) people the way you do. You rock, my sismance!

Wish her all things kinky, dear readers (yes, i used the plural form. I'm allowed to be giddy and delusional on Sammeh's birthday!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM SAN SUPERSTAR!

My Tarot Reading for Monday

Here's what the Wise man said:

You start the week at breakneck speed, dear friend. Nothing can stop you this Monday, because as your first card shows, you have Strength on your side. Willpower, ambition, persuasiveness: you have a hand full of trump cards to play over the course of an extremely busy day that sees you conquering a mountain of work. Theres no better mood in which to start off your working week, so dont waste a minute: get to work straight away!

I just took an online tarot reading. How productive can my day have been?!

A Few Things that are Not Fun

Spent a long day prop shopping and had a chance to contemplate the deepness of my self-involvement. Here are a few fun things that aren't fun when it doesnt wholly involve you.

Yawn!

1) Shopping - Take the bestest money and combine it with a perfectly gloomy day but when its for someone else, snooze!

2) Photo Albums - I dont know how others do it but if I aint in the pics, dont bother showing me! I mean, seriously?

3) Spa Days - If someone else is getting a massage and you're reading Cosmo's '57 ways to get him to open up about his ex' in the waiting area - Next!

4) Wedding - If you ain't the bride or the groom. Boring!

5) Holidays - Marvellous self-indulgent days ahead but when you pull the weight of an entire team and stay up reading fun things to do in Cambodia late into the night - next please!

6) Listening - Dont get me wrong. I've lent my bony shouler to many a teary break up but if it involves listening about your latest work crisis - yawn!

7) Production - Shopping, scheduling, and decorating set and stage for a show you're never going to be onstage for - that's just cruelty!

8) Cooking Fat Free - I fail to see the reason to put double of my effort in making a low-fat muffin taste good when the recipient cant get off his ass to work out more! C'mon!

9) Watching TV - When you're stuck watching Idea Star Singer because you have nothing better to do and you promised mum the tv is hers this evening. Pain!

10) Selling Tickets - After the first 10 mins, the sturdiest of friendships can be tested when you're swatting mosquitoes and miss the first 30 mins of a decent play. Groan!

11) House Hunting - Who cares which side the living room faces or how small the bedroom is if you're not the one sleeping in it? Sigh!

12) Talking - Normally I'm a motor mouth but it becomes painful when you're relaying instructions. Lost in translation!

Got any more?

Happy Birthday to Me

As I grow older but certainly not wiser, here are a few things I would like to have in my life:

My Wish List (in no particular order): I wish

1) people who owe me money would actually pay me

2) to be able to go a day without excercising and not feeling guilty about it

3) foreign tourist visa processes were not so daunting

4) to have meaningful work which also paid well

5) friends in committed relationships wouldnt bitch about their other halves to me and call me smart for being single (no, its not a compliment and yes, its a conscious choice!)

6) I could watch Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart everyday.

7) people would not obsess over the pink jatti and Valentine Day card protest and call it an upper strata problem (even if it is an upper strata problem, on behalf of upper strata, I have a right for my issues to be heard)

8) more people would vote and not just critique people who dared to make a difference (kudos to Mash and Rochu for doing something other than drink at Zara's and tut tut about it! Read http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Chennai/Greeting_cards_to_fight_Rama_Sene/articleshow/4103108.cms)

9) Hamsa were here - she'd know exactly what to do on my birthday

10) there was a decent bungee jumping place around

11) I had money for my tattoo

12) filial peace - aunties and uncles, I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. Asking me a million times every phone call aint gonna change it.

while I'm wishing for peace...

13) the Tamil Government would not interfere in the Sri Lankan situation. Is a Tamil life more important than an African life? While condemning terrorism, why not condemn the civil wars in Africa and Israel striking Palestine for 6 days in a row? They're our brothers and deserve our respect too!

And we're back to banal wishes!

14) Vijay would have more energy in his movies. What happened babydoll? Why so glum these days?

15) guys would stop mind fucking women - if you want to boink but dont want to have any accountability or responsibility for it, have the balls to declare "I'm a manipulative satyr!" we just may respect your honesty!

16) I owned The Hobbit - cuz I haven't read it and Fao San has threatened to disown me if I dont get to it!

17) I had a Chennai toy boy (does that one even need to be explained?)

18) I could just zip over to Aus. I need their national cheer to bolster my spirits

19) we had krispy kreme in Chennai

20) someone other than Shaji taught Kalari in Bessie

21) there were better movies playing in the theater - Villu or Abhiyum Naanum? I opt for staying at home thank you!

22) more ballet shows would happen in Chennai - there was one from Russia and I was in Delhi.

23) people would know an English Lit student doesnt mean an instant dictionary - dont embarass me coz I dont know the damn words ok!

24) people could understand that just cuz I'm happy doesn't mean its easy.

25) Jeff Buckley and Heath Ledger were alive - such talent should not have gone so soon

26) my Internet connection would work so I wouldnt be utterly bored to write such a self-involved wish list

I saved my last two wishes for you Fao San

27) Fao San a speedy return. we miss you and want you to spice up our posts (that'd be me and my alter ego!)

28) Fao San a better end to this year - am sending all my good thoughts your way!

And so the countdown begins - 8 days to go!

You may Kiss the Bride

3 weddings of 3 close friends in 3 consecutive months.

Guess weddings come in threes too.

My take on why people get married:

1) Coz after 21 its lame to blame your parents for anything you dont actually wanna do but are too scared to admit - "My wife/husband didnt let me" is a better option.

2) You always have someone to go halfsies on gifts.

3) You can finally do lame ass things and blame someone else - quiz nights in, drinking and dancing on tables out!

4) You can let yourself go! This one's for the starving and "dieting" Women

5) You never have to shower, shave or use deo! This one's for men!

6) State and Temple approved license to boink.

7) So someone else can do the polite convo when your mum or dad calls.

8) Someone to pick the tab when you quit your job and have a quarter/mid-life crisis.

9) She lets you video her.

10) He lets you paint his toe nails.

11) Coz using your "friend with benefits" as binami to buy property can bite you in the ass.

12) Someone to drive you to hosp in the middle of the night when you get kidney stones for the 15th time!

I cant think of anymore reasons. I wonder why!

These are a Few of Her Favourite Things!

*drum roll* Fao San turned 30 yesterday! (a week ago, but who's counting?)

30 things I gave her (from the nice to downright bizarre!)

1) Home-made Kaju Katli - Mum made but I commissioned it so its my gift! (Whatta way to start the day!)'

2) Book mark (for the coup de grace gift - any guesses?)

3) Cloth bag (to hold all gifts) (*squealy* pink and floral! I can even use it as headwear)

4) Stitch Stamp (a rubber stamp with the dog stitch from lilo & stitch - a la royal seal) (I'll use it for branding...coz hot irons are so passe)

5) Spidey geometry box (where else would one keep one's pencils?!) (and one's talking spidey pen?)

6) Spidey badge (coz we support neighbourhood vigilantes!) (he is crawling up my sling bag right now)

7) Glitter Glue (one cant have enough of it!) (flaming red glitter glue. I'm using it as make up)

8) Paper Jewelry Box (for whatever treasures one pleases!)

9) Elizabeth Arden perfum testers (technically not bought but economists would calculate its price as me being friends with kritika who knows the sales girls!)

10) Mini Postit (for small thoughts) (petty ones, especially)

11) Oriental Good Luck thing (it had pennies and a dragon - sold!)

12) Cupid Punching Machine (exactly what it sounds, you punch paper and cupid appears! corny but bold!) (just what my love letters were missing!)

13) White Board ( a la friends - now to learn to draw!)

14) Whitener strip (to undo all life's mistakes. if only eh!)

15) Scented Candles (self explanatory) (apple, cinnamon..all things wintry!)

16) Stress Ball (self explanatory) (it has already become a ragged sponge)

17) Glowing sheep (not the inflatable kind you pervs!) (she lies. giggle)

18) Cat-patterned wall hooks (coz every single woman over 30 should have a cat-themed home - this is the first step!) (Next step is taxidermy)

19) Water bottle (coz we all need 8-10 glasses of water everyday) (from a fuschia water bottle)

20-24) Gift set with scissor, glue, eraser, pencil and sharpener (yup, apparently there are others who gift stationery!)

25) Flowers (they smelt better than my 3,500 rupee perfume) (oh, they did! Yellows and violets. They lasted two whole days!)

26) Shot glass (hmmmm, whaddya think?) (What, me think? hic!)

27) Rear windshield slogan? (whats it called?) (bumper sticker?)

28) Book of Poetry (the best translations of Sangam poetry) (the coup de grace gift!!!)

29) Dinner (Pesto Pasta, Cheese Pizza and free Brownie with the best choc sauce *ever* at Mmmmmafia!) (was stuffed to the gills)

30) Mint (coz I ran out of things to buy)

Happy Fao Day all! (aww, shucks, you guys!)

It was one of my best birthdays. And I so needed this one. Thank you, Sam san. So thoughtful. *sniff!* I'll let you name one of the cats.