The Magnificent Seven

Read somewhere each woman must have a ring of 7 friends to keep her sane.

1 - The Quirk

2 - The Childhood Friend

3 - The New One

4 - The Office Friend

5 - The Couple

6 -

7 -

Says something about the article (or Sammeh's ADHD) that I can’t remember the last 2 categories!

Without further ado, those on their way to the sanatorium:

The Quirk

Undoubtedly, the slot is filled by Bing (no arguments. Just quiet acquiescence). Now a decade-long friend, I have fond memories of running in college with her close behind me screaming, "TOUCH THE OTHER ONE!" - twas my favourite hobby/workout to touch one earring and not touch the other or touch one shoulder and not the other and so on for every part of the body that has a double (some of those parts have quads now).

The logic? It’s symmetry that’s the culprit. Both have to be touched, you see, or “the other one will feel bad."

The Childhood Friend

H. Who else. She is the better half (indeed). While I wake up from a nightmare and try to soothe myself back to sleep at 2 am, an unnatural noise fills the room – ‘tis H laughing in her sleep. If that sounds sweet and harmless to you, you gotta get your head examined. There's nothing freakier than that!

Having lived with us for countless years and charmed everyone in the family, H and I have a weird psychic connection that has not waned despite oceans separating us.

The New One

K may have bought my affections by buying me many presents for my birthday but she sealed her place in my life with one highly inappropriate and offensive line.

I was contemplating whether to do this German boy who was visiting Chennai for a day. K's idea of a pick-up line - "Let me show you MY concentration camp" (love germinates in Fao San’s heart for K).

You tell me, can anyone top that?

The Office Friend

From bitching about each other to each other to finishing each others jokes, who else but Fao San is worthy of this title?! (*inhales deeply and smiles proudly*)

We take road trips together. We know everyone in each others lives. We know everything about each other's lives. We barf when people wanna talk about their feelings! (Chuh! Feelings! Like there are any feelings - other than ours - worth considering.)

We now have a common blog! (And an adoring, thronging fan base. Invisible at this point, but we know it is present!)

The height of our achievement - breaking up with a fling of mine who got clingy over the phone. The best part. We did it together. *sniff* Good times! (One of our finer moments. But that man…the ingrate…didn’t thank us once for breaking him into the relationship cycle!)

And to think she was in another team when I joined work! (But Sam san, the visionary jumped ships. It was the beginning of a great friendship.)

The Couple

3 couples tie for this slot.

1) Mall Wed Couple - While he is a male version of me (self-involved, dysfunctional, likes girls), she is the one who counsels us both to not make fun of people who are crying coz we made ‘em cry.

2) Constant Drama Couple - These insane bitches come to me for relationship advice every week. (No way! Wonder if this couple exists only in Sam san’s head.)

It goes the same way either in person or over phone

She: Sam, this time its different.
Me (bored): Uh huh. Do whatever makes you happy.
She: Are you listening? I am leaving him.
Me: You think I should do this 19-year old to feel young again?
He (addresses me): Why don’t you talk some sense into her? (Ok, they exist only in Sam san’s head)
Me: Me? Are you that desperate? (So self aware, even in her make-believe world)
She: Don’t inolve her in this. She’s my friend.
He: Don’t yell at me.
He and she yell a lot, fight about inconsequential things, kiss and make up all in front of me.

3) Grumpy Bitch and Overly Sensitive Metrosexual - They're both married to women but the yin yang of it all is so darned entertaining.

GB (to me): So let me get this straight, you have cut one more person out of your life? Lovely! And you wonder if you'll die alone.
Me: Nice man. Thanks. Am so glad I chose you to share my emotional trauma with.
GB: You're an idiot. What can I do? (mmpphhh!)
OSM: Sammy! You gotta stop pushing people away. It’s the same thing you do to me (Cry me a river, brother!). Stop being scared to be vulnerable.
Me: *choking on my drink*
GB: She is doing it coz she's a bitch. Oh, you're both talking again are you?
Me *sotto voice*: For now.
OSM: We've patched everything. We're fine as long as she doesn’t turn into Diva Bitch again. (Give her five minutes.)

Me and OSM bicker and yell and use big words and I storm out and not speak to him for 7 months. Again. (She clocked under five!)

GB continues drinking.

Other Notables

1) The Only Ex I Speak To - Kindred spirits, we're deeply shallow. Anytime I'm blue, he cheers me up by pretending to still want me. I tease him and don’t do anything about it. It works.

2) Theater Friend - He declaims every statement but he's the only sane one through all the creative tantrums. Long train journeys are that much more enjoyable coz he can turn anything to sound pornographic!

There are many, many more but I realised I crossed 7! Aha! Take that you self-help drivel writing bitch who only thought it fit to fill 7 categories! I win!

Dear Readers,

Please don’t point out the number of times the word, ‘bitch’ has appeared in this post.

Readers...you exist only in my head, eh?